"This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang, but a whimper." So wrote T.S. Eliot.
Well, that's nice and poetic, but director Roland Emmerich, would say, "Not so fast, T.S.!"
Emmerich has the most recent handle on "The sky is falling, it's the end of the world!" films such as "Independence Day," "The Day After Tomorrow," and now, the mother (so far) of all cinematic cataclysms, "2012." This CGI extravaganza opened on Friday and has already grossed close to $300 million worldwide.
The plot of "2012" is loosely based on the belief of some people that the ancient Mayan calendar predicted the end of the world on Dec. 21, 2012.
But you won't get a lot of Mayan history in Emmerich's movie. That's only one of the explanations given in the film as to why the earth is having a really bad day. Plenty of science and pseudo-science is lobbed. (But we're sitting there saying, "Blah, blah, blah, who cares why St. Peter's Dome collapses, let's just get our $10 bucks worth and see it!")
The film is also politically correct, depending on where you sit on the aisle. Even in this make-believe world's end, the president, though not named Barack Obama, is still an African American. And when the United States needs a Noah's Ark type of thing, we call on the Chinese to build it, natch. There's also an Indian family in peril. It's a multicultural apocalypse, leaning slightly to the left.
MUCH LIKE "The Day After Tomorrow" or "Armageddon," this a fabulously good, bad, good time. It is predictable, obvious, loaded with every disaster-movie cliche you can image, including conspiracy theories and the wealthy stepping over the poor, trying to escape any way they can. That one goes all the way back to 1951's "When Worlds Collide" -- the rich wheelchair-bound villain builds a spaceship to avoid the meteor hurtling toward earth. I have a sense, however, that Emmerich was toying with a general denunciation of capitalism.
There's even, yes -- a cute dog.
Look, if you want originality, go Off-Broadway. I loved every not surprising moment of "2012."
THE STORY -- the part that involves the humans, not the rising seas or collapsing mountains -- is silly, with people saying goodbye constantly and at length. Whatever happened to, "Gotta go, it's been swell, the earth is opening up under my feet!"
John Cusack, Amanda Peet, Woody Harrelson, Thandie Newton, Danny Glover and a few others are given eye-rolling words to speak. They do OK, and don't bump into the special effects. Anybody who goes to a movie of this genre and expects to find a great script and sensitive acting -- well, perhaps the world has come to an end and you just don't know it yet!
For those who are not too picky, "2012" has a little something for everyone; director Emmerich's plot vignettes, in between the floods and erupting volcanoes, attempt to cover all bases for all audiences.
Sure, you'll snicker at the totally unrealistic escapes that the plucky Cusack and family make from a world imploding and exploding, but that's why it's a movie, and not real life. He drives a car right through a super-massive earthquake, and is awfully limber for a writer of failed sci-fi novels. (However, Cusack's well-known slack-mouthed expression, while irritating in other roles, works perfectly here.)
This is no gritty walk on the somber side of human survival, it's a slaphappy theme park of destruction, the ultimate example of the vicarious thrill we get out of watching our world ravaged on the big screen. So, needless to say, the computer-generated wipeout of the earth is very impressive. I think my favorite was the Himalayas going underwater. But it's hard to choose.
This is Hollywood baloney and cheese sliced thick and served on a pricey brioche. Empty your brain and enjoy!
P.S. If, in 2012, Sarah Palin is elected president of the United States, at least half of the country is going to hope the Mayans were dead on. The other half will feel the Rapture has arrived.
Hey, Mr. Emmerich -- put lipstick on a maverick for the "2012" sequel.
SPEAKING OF The Divine Sarah (she is, after all, the Right's Chosen One), she's around like ravenous wolves in the Alaska outback. Her media tour for "Going Rogue" continues apace. On Monday, she sat with Oprah for a typical session. Reviews of the hour have been pretty brutal, lambasting O for not eliciting anything of substance out of the former governor of Alaska.
Perhaps there is nothing of substance to get, other than her repetitious tales of being done wrong by John McCain's staff, Katie Couric, etc. Well, there were the cozy at-home moments, as if we needed another reminder that Palin is a mom-deluxe.
On the whole, Palin came off well. She resisted too much outright dishing of Levi Johnston, the baby daddy of her grandson, Tripp, though she mourned his move to "porn" in posing for Playgirl. That's really not porn, Sarah.
In general she seems to have been coached to be more reasonable. She didn't mess up in any way that I noticed. She looked sexy, with her high heels and her big mane of hair. Her voice, however, needs some tutoring.
I have said it over and over from the first second this woman appeared on the scene -- she is here to stay, no matter how fervently her haters insist that at any minute she will vanish.
(E-mail Liz Smith at MES3838@aol.com, or write to her c/o Tribune Media Services, 2225 Kenmore Ave., Suite 114, Buffalo, NY 14207.)
