"THERE MAY be some doubt as to who are the best people to have charge of children, but there can be no doubt that parents are the worst," said George Bernard Shaw.
EVEN A confirmed cynic like Mr. Shaw must be spinning at the antics of "celebrity parents," such as the soon to be divorced Jon and Kate Gosselin, and the long-divorced Michael and Dina Lohan (parents of the tabloid magnet Lindsay.)
The Gosselins are a template for the late 20th- and early 21st-century obsession to become famous by any means. In Kate Gosselin's case, she got herself a passel of invitro-ed sextuplets (she already had twins) and then decided to push them all on TV, because, guess what, these parents had no money to support their brood. The once-respectable Learning Channel put these deadbeats on the air.
In the years that the show "Jon & Kate Plus 8" has been inflicted on America, Kate has revealed herself as a steely-eyed control freak with high ambitions for a life outside of her home -- she wants to be a star, a talk-show hostess.
Jon, her hubby, is an overweight, dim, resentful sad sack with a spine of jelly. He's the type who could turn any woman into a shrew. He has ambitions too. He wants to party with ladies who haven't given birth to eight children and who don't correct him every five minutes.
The J&K saga has devolved into charges of looted bank accounts, judicial arbitrations, and sudden, passionate "epiphanies" -- the latter, courtesy of Jon, who has shut the show down "for the sake of his exploited children." He did this the day after he was essentially fired from the series. (Who can predict when the miracle occurs?)
General ugliness and unconvincing weeping from both parties is an almost daily occurrence. The no-nonsense Kate has had no epiphanies. She says she must continue to use her kids, because how else is she going to support them? And anyway, there's that career as the new Kelly Ripa to ponder. This unattractive, emotionally stunted, intellectually barren couple now dominate the glossy magazine covers, often acing out Brad and Angie, who are at least great-looking and work for a living.
There is no escape from the Gosselins. Trust me.
Some people say the Gosselin's kids should be taken away from their camera-ready parents, that they have been abused and harmed in the process of being moneymaking props on a TV show. Well, the same could be said about any child actor on a normal sitcom or series. Or any child actor, period. (There are occasional exceptions such as Jodie Foster, who appears to have been born with wisdom, as well as talent.)
The Jon and Kate children will most likely be harmed by the antics and instability of their parents. But that's not real abuse; it's just a lousy childhood. I see therapy couches.
AS FOR the Lohans -- what a pair! Daddy Michael was in trouble with the law for a long time -- stock fraud, for which he was jailed four years, probation violation (more jail), violating a court order to stay away from his children (and still more jail time!) He is afflicted with terminal verbal diarrhea, and can't-stay-away-from-the-camera-itis. Almost always he is talking about his famous daughter.
The mother, Dina, is a ferociously taut, blonde Mama Rose, who saw a moneymaking "Gypsy" in the talented Lindsay. She has lived and partied vicariously through -- and sometimes with -- her daughter, existing in a heightened state of denial. "There's nothing wrong with Lindsay, blame it on her youth." That was a passable excuse when Lohan was 16,17, 18 and 19. Now she is 23, a woman. And while Lindsay may not be the melting mess that Websites such as TMZ and Perez insist she is, there is some reason to believe she still has issues.
Last week, Michael Lohan announced that Lindsay was in trouble, needed an intervention, and that he was speaking out publicly because it was the only way to reach her. (Has nobody learned from the Jon Voight/Angelina Jolie debacle?) Mr. Lohan cast aspersions on the parenting skills of ex-wife Dina, who threw them right back. In truth, Lindsay prefers her mother's guidance (such as it is) to having any dealings with her dad. I think it has been quite some time since Lindsay even clapped eyes on her father.
If Papa Lohan -- who now says he's gunning for Lindsay's "dealer" -- truly believes his daughter is a danger to herself, there is this fantastic invention called the telephone. And they make them very small now. See, you use it, to, oh, let's say, call your ex and have a real serious private discussion. I know, privacy -- what a revolutionary concept.
How cruelly ironic that Lindsay came to fame in a movie titled, "The Parent Trap."
Totally predictable P.S. -- Michael Lohan and Jon Gosselin are new best friends.
A RATHER bleak aside: Last week Lindsay unveiled her fashion line for Ungaro. The collection, created with Estrella Archs, was not well received.
Dina Lohan leapt to her daughter's defense, saying the cards were stacked against Lindsay from the start, and that the young actress-turned-designer is a "genius." I wouldn't go that far, but I agree with Dina in terms of the mind-set preceding her daughter's name; Lindsay was mocked the second her association with Ungaro was announced, her collection was doomed to failure, predicted by all and sundry. Especially, sundry. Lindsay's frocks, when finally revealed, were "an insult to fashion." Really? Really?
I went online and looked at most of the clothes. The collection seemed wear-ready. Nobody perched a birdcage on a model's head. Perhaps there wasn't an overload of creativity, but I've seen worse designs take a top spot on "Project Runway."
When I see some of the crazy stuff that comes strutting down catwalks, creations dreamed up simply to show what the designer can do with tulle, a massive hangover and contempt for the fashion-slavish -- at least Lindsay's freshman effort seems to me unpretentious. (A rare positive review remarked, "Call it a mess if you want, but it is a beautiful mess, nonetheless.")
The real story of Lindsay Lohan's dip into Parisian couture is the precipitous plunge of her image and reputation. Even her walk down the runway at the end of the show, holding hands with designing partner Ms. Archs, was publicized in some quarters as Lindsay being "too out of it" to stand on her own. Her happy post-show tears were taken as proof of her instability.
Believe me, if Lindsay was seen as a-ok, her clothes would be seen as at least semi-ok. But the press, here and abroad, have a story to sell, true or not -- that Lindsay Lohan is a joke who is about to self-destruct before our eyes; everything she touches is radioactive and not to be taken seriously.
(E-mail Liz Smith at MES3838@aol.com, or write to her c/o Tribune Media Services, 2225 Kenmore Ave., Suite 114, Buffalo, NY 14207.)
