"LIZ, DO you mind if we cut this short? See, I'm baby-sitting my 5-year-old grandchild, and we just made sugar cookies!"

This is one of the world's most famous stars, escaping an interview to attend to family business. Baby-sitting? Sugar cookies? I bet you think it's Julie Andrews. Wrong. This cookie-baking granny is ... Joan Collins. Yep, the sultry siren herself. Miss Collins explained she was home in glitzy L.A. with her granddaughter, because her son, the artist Sacha Newley, was off at a big exhibition of his work.

When I laughed and said how surprised the world would be to find her in such normal circumstances, Joan sighed a little.

"I know, you're right, but honestly I've never understood the public perception -- especially aimed at women stars -- that we're somehow incapable of raising our children or tending to our homes. I've raised three children; I've taken care of four houses. Years ago, the writer Art Buchwald did a story on me, titled 'A Most Peculiar Mother' -- he couldn't understand the dichotomy of a so-called 'glamorous' woman raising a family. I found his article peculiar!"

I WAS chatting with the capable, normal -- and superhumanly energetic -- Miss Collins because next month she arrives in Manhattan to shoot a short film, called "Fetish." It has been written by, and will co-star, Charles Casillo. (Mr. Casillo is known for his biography of the writer John Rechy. Casillo has also written novels: "The Marilyn Diaries," "The Fame Game," and he scripted and starred in last year's well-received little thriller, "Let Me Die Quietly.")

In "Fetish," Joan will play an actress. She describes the film as "Sort of a combination of 'Sunset Boulevard,' the David Letterman show and 'The Twilight Zone!'" It's an effort to explain what it really means to be a famous woman of a certain age, with a certain mindset about her career and image. My character, Francesca, is funny and sad, a little vulnerable -- a touch of Marilyn." (Joan is a major admirer of the late Marilyn Monroe, whom she describes as "the greatest celebrity of all time. She's the one we'll still be talking about a hundred years from now.")

Thinking of Monroe, perhaps, Joan went on: "You know, it's a terrible thing for an actress who is no longer young, depending on looks, with nothing to fall back on -- no man who really cares, no children. It's tragic and I've seen it. Thank god, I've never lived it, despite some disappointments with men. But I've had my children and I've always had a job. And I've never been one to overanalyze myself, or my situation. And I can't understand people who have everything, but are -- or insist they are -- miserable. Every day I wake up looking forward to that day, and I never go to bed without remembering how lucky I am."

Does nothing ever get Joan down?

"Well, I wouldn't say it got me 'down' but as fabulous as 'Dynasty' was for me, the image of Alexis has stuck far longer than I'd anticipated. Shortly after the show finally ended, I talked to Henry Winkler, who'd been typed as 'The Fonz.' He said, 'Joan, give it three years, everybody will move on.' I waited, but I've not quite been able to kill off Alexis."

Joan pauses and then says, "And the producer, Aaron Spelling, didn't help much. He and some of the other producers just loved sending out these stories to the National Enquirer -- 'she stormed off the set' ... 'she demanded this' ... 'she's just like Alexis.' I mean, I see that it worked as a myth-building strategy for the show, but for me, it was bullshit after a while." (The real-life Joan looks just like Alexis, but she has an altogether lighter vibe, a girlishly youthful voice, and she is very funny.)

Collins stops and gives out a hearty laugh, "But this is not the world's worst cross to bear. I would like to be just considered what's called 'a jobbing actor.' You know, normal, job to job. I mean that's what I thought 'Dynasty' was going to be, a six-week gig. I once complained a little to John Gielgud and he said, 'Joan, we are all victims of our physicality.' I suppose it's true -- and Freud did say, 'anatomy is destiny.' So, I'm not crying. How grotesque would that be, how ungrateful! People are dying in Haiti and I should worry over my image?!"

IN APRIL, The British Film Institute will honor Paul Newman, showing a series of his films. Among them will be "Rally 'Round the Flag, Boys." In that one, Joan plays the wacky, sex-crazed neighbor of sedate suburbanites Paul and Joanne Woodward. She is hilarious. Joan will speak at the screening.

I knew Paul well. And he and Joanne really fought for me to get that role. 20th Century-Fox wanted Jayne Mansfield. They didn't think a brunette could be funny. But Paul and Joanne pushed and pushed, 'Oh, no, we know her, she's really very funny. She'll be great.' I was so grateful and touched by their efforts and belief in me."

Joan hits the chilly weather of New York on Feb. 6, for a week of "Fetish" filming. (Then it'll probably be off to St. Tropez. Or London. Joan never stays in one place too long.)

Before she rushed away to bake more cookies, the star commented again on the 'real lives' of the famous. "Even the Queen has a great many of the cares of her subjects, despite her position and her wealth. People who think it's always sunshine and roses or lurid self-indulgence for celebrities are just kidding themselves. We're human, and for the most part, quite ordinary."

(E-mail Liz Smith at MES3838@aol.com, or write to her c/o Tribune Media Services, 2225 Kenmore Ave., Suite 114, Buffalo, NY 14207.)